Why Your Growth Story Makes Some People Uncomfortable
When the lessons that changed your life aren't the lessons someone else is ready to hear.
I've noticed something interesting about people when you start talking about making real changes in your life. They're often interested in the results. They want to know how you did it. What changed. Whether you're happier, healthier, or finally feeling more like yourself.
But sometimes, when you begin explaining what it actually took to get there, something shifts. Their eyes wander. Their responses become shorter. You can almost feel the conversation losing momentum.
I've noticed this happen at least three times in my own life.
The first was when I quit smoking.
The second was when I started working on becoming more consistent with myself.
The third was when I began intuitive eating.
Three very different experiences, but each involved changing something about how I approached my life, and each time, I noticed something similar when I talked about what had worked for me. People seemed interested until I started getting into the changes themselves.
I remember thinking, I guess they don't really want to make a change, because if they did, wouldn't they at least try what worked for me?
It seemed like a reasonable conclusion at the time. After all, I wasn't talking about something I'd read in a book or heard someone else recommend. I was talking about things I'd actually experienced, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was something missing from my interpretation.
I knew what those changes had meant to me. I didn't necessarily know what the other person was thinking and those are two very different things.
When Something Works for You, It's Hard to Understand Why Someone Else Wouldn't Try It
There's a particular kind of conviction that comes from changing something you've struggled with. When you finally stop doing something you thought you'd always do, or begin doing something you've repeatedly promised yourself you'd start, the experience becomes personal.
You know what life felt like before.
You know how many times you thought about changing.
You know what it took to begin doing things differently.
That's part of what makes the experience meaningful, but it can also make us believe we've discovered something other people simply haven't understood yet.
I think about quitting smoking.
When you've managed to change a habit like that, it's natural to want to tell someone else what helped you. Not necessarily because you think you know everything, but because you know what it feels like to be on the other side.
The same goes for consistency.
For me, working on consistency wasn't simply about following a schedule or checking things off a list. It was about changing how I approached the commitments I made to myself.
And intuitive eating brought a different kind of learning. It meant paying attention to my relationship with food rather than treating eating as another set of rules to follow.
These weren't identical changes, and they didn't require identical approaches, but they shared something important. I had to participate in changing my own behavior. No one could do that part for me. So, when I shared what I'd learned and someone seemed uninterested, I interpreted their reaction through my own experience.
If you want something to change, you have to be willing to do something differently.
I still believe that.
What I've come to question is the assumption that I can tell whether someone is willing to change based on how they respond to my story, because wanting change and wanting my advice are not the same thing.
We Hear Other People's Stories Through Our Own Lives
Imagine telling a friend that you've finally learned to stop saying yes to everything. You explain how much better you feel now that you're setting boundaries and no longer taking responsibility for everyone else's needs. Your friend smiles, nods, and changes the subject.
What do you assume?
Maybe you think she doesn't want to hear it because she isn't ready to set boundaries herself.
Maybe you think she's uncomfortable because she recognizes the same pattern in her own life.
Maybe you decide she isn't really interested in changing.
Any of those explanations might be possible, but so are others.
Maybe she's already working through the issue in her own way.
Maybe your circumstances are different from hers.
Maybe she's heard the same advice before and found it didn't work for her.
Maybe she simply doesn't want to talk about boundaries over lunch.
We don't know.
And yet, we often fill in the missing information without realizing we're doing it. We take what we know about ourselves and use it to explain someone else. This is especially easy when we feel strongly about what we've learned.
Our experience becomes the reference point and before long, we stop asking whether another person sees things differently and start wondering why they can't see what seems so obvious to us.
That's where sharing can quietly turn into judgment, not necessarily out loud. Sometimes it happens only in our own minds.
Sometimes Someone Else's Growth Really Does Make Us Uncomfortable
I don't want to dismiss the other side of this. There are times when hearing about someone else's progress makes us question our own lives. I think most of us have experienced that.
You hear about a woman who finally left a relationship she knew wasn't right for her. You're happy for her, but maybe you're still trying to decide what to do about your own.
Or you hear someone talk about how they stopped allowing work to consume their life.
You admire the decision, but you also know you've been telling yourself for years that you have no choice but to keep going at the same pace.
Suddenly, their story touches something you've been trying not to examine. It's not necessarily jealousy and it doesn't mean you don't want the other person to succeed.
Sometimes their experience simply brings attention to a question you've been avoiding.
Research on social comparison helps explain why this can happen. We don't evaluate our lives in isolation. Other people's choices and achievements can influence how we think about our own, but the important word here is can.
Someone else's growth might make us uncomfortable, it might inspire us, or it might have nothing to do with us at all. We shouldn't confuse a possible psychological explanation with knowing what someone is feeling.
The Woman I Met in Mexico
I remember meeting a life coach while I was in Mexico. We didn't know each other. It was a random encounter. During our conversation, I told her that her life must be perfect.
Her response was immediate. "If you think anyone's life is perfect, you are for sure a great candidate for a life coach."
I've thought about that exchange while working through this article. Here I was making an assumption about a woman I had just met based on what she did for a living.
She was a life coach, so somewhere in my mind, I connected that with having figured life out; and she challenged the assumption.
It's a small exchange, but there's something revealing about it.
We often think we know more about people than we actually do. We see their profession, their accomplishments, their relationships, or the way they present themselves, and we begin filling in the rest.
The successful woman must be confident.
The marriage counselor must have a wonderful marriage.
The leadership coach must never struggle with leadership.
The woman who teaches boundaries must never have trouble enforcing her own.
Of course, none of that is necessarily true.
Understanding something doesn't mean you never struggle with it, teaching something doesn't mean you've mastered every part of your own life, and changing one area of your life doesn't make you an expert on how everyone else should change theirs.
That last realization is particularly relevant to this conversation, because when I thought people weren't interested in changing simply because they didn't seem interested in my experience, I was making an assumption, too.
A different assumption, but still an assumption.
There's a Difference Between Knowing What Worked and Knowing What Someone Else Needs
I think this is one of the more difficult parts of personal growth. When something has made a meaningful difference in your life, you naturally want to share it. Especially with people you care about.
If you've found a way to stop doing something that was hurting you, why wouldn't you want someone else to experience that freedom?
If you've learned to become more consistent with yourself, why wouldn't you want to explain what helped?
If you've begun changing your relationship with food, why wouldn't you want to talk about it?
There's nothing wrong with any of that, but we have to remember something. Our experiences are evidence of what happened in our lives. They aren't proof that everyone else should follow the same path. What helped me quit smoking might not be what helps someone else. What consistency looks like in my life may be different from what it needs to look like in yours... And intuitive eating may be a meaningful approach for one person without being the right fit for another.
Even when the goal sounds similar, the circumstances behind it may be completely different.
Our histories are different.
Our fears are different.
Our responsibilities, resources, and emotional readiness are different.
Sometimes we want people to recognize the value of what we've learned so badly that we forget they have their own experiences to consider; and sometimes the most respectful thing we can do is share what worked, then allow the other person to decide whether it means anything to them.
That doesn't make your story less valuable. It simply means it belongs to you.
What If They Aren't Ready to Hear It?
I still think there's truth in the idea that people sometimes avoid conversations that challenge them. We've all done it.
Maybe someone points out a pattern in a relationship that we're not ready to acknowledge.
Maybe a friend suggests that our exhaustion has something to do with our inability to say no.
Maybe someone tells us about a change they've made, and part of us recognizes that we might need to make a change of our own.
But recognition doesn't automatically create readiness.
Sometimes we know exactly what needs to change and still aren't prepared to do it.
Sometimes we're afraid of what will happen if we do.
Sometimes we don't have the resources or support.
Sometimes we're simply not convinced that the change someone else made is the right one for us.
That's why I think we need to be careful with the statement, If they really wanted to change, they would.
It sounds straightforward, but human behavior rarely is.
A person can want something different and still be afraid.
They can understand a problem and still struggle to change a habit.
They can hear useful advice and not be ready to act on it.
They can reject our advice while still being serious about their own growth.
Those possibilities deserve consideration before we decide what someone's reaction says about their character or commitment.
The Same Pattern Shows Up in Leadership
I've seen how easily this kind of thinking can affect the way we lead. When you've spent years building businesses, managing people, solving problems, and learning from difficult experiences, you develop strong opinions about what works.
You recognize patterns.
You notice problems earlier.
You remember what happened the last time someone made a similar decision.
Experience can make you more effective, but it can also make you impatient.
You explain something that seems obvious to you. Someone doesn't follow your recommendation and you begin wondering whether they're committed, capable, or willing to do the work.
Sometimes those concerns may be justified, but sometimes the person simply sees something you haven't considered.
They may have information you don't have.
They may need more time.
They may understand the goal but disagree with the approach.
They may be struggling with something that isn't visible in the conversation.
This is where Psychological Leadership™ becomes important to me because leadership isn't just about understanding why people behave the way they do, it's also about recognizing how our own experiences influence the conclusions we draw about them.
We can't expect people to be open to new perspectives if we aren't willing to question our own and we can't build trust while assuming that disagreement or hesitation automatically means resistance.
Sometimes the most important question a leader can ask isn't, Why won't they listen?
It's, What might I be missing?
When Sharing Becomes Trying to Convince
There's another question I've been sitting with. At what point does sharing something meaningful become trying to convince someone else? I don't think the difference is always obvious.
We might begin a conversation wanting to help.
We explain what happened.
We describe what worked.
We talk about what changed.
Then we notice the other person isn't responding the way we expected, so we explain more. We offer another example. We try to make the lesson clearer. Without necessarily intending to, we've shifted from sharing our experience to trying to create a particular response; and that changes the conversation.
Now the other person isn't simply listening to our story. They may feel as though they're being asked to agree with it, learn from it, or do something about it. Not every conversation needs that kind of expectation attached to it.
Sometimes people want to hear what happened.
Sometimes they want advice.
Sometimes they just want to enjoy your company.
Sometimes they aren't interested in the topic.
We can respect that without deciding it means something larger about who they are. We can also recognize when our own desire to be helpful has become a desire to be heard.
Those aren't always the same thing.
The RISE Method™: What We Can Learn From Both Sides of the Conversation
This is the kind of situation where I find the RISE Method™ useful, not because every interaction needs to become an exercise in self-improvement, but because ordinary conversations can reveal patterns we might otherwise overlook.
Recognize: Notice the assumptions you're making.
When someone seems uninterested, what explanation comes to mind first?
Do you assume they're avoiding change?
Do you assume they're judging you?
Or do you become curious about what else might be happening?
Interrupt: Question the interpretation before accepting it as fact.
You know what you've experienced. You don't necessarily know what someone else is experiencing. There's a difference between noticing a reaction and knowing what caused it.
Self-Lead: Decide what kind of conversation you want to have.
If someone is interested, share your experience.
If they're asking for advice, offer what you've learned without assuming your approach is the only one.
If they seem disengaged, you don't have to keep explaining.
If someone challenges your assumptions, consider whether there's something worth hearing.
Evolve: Let what you've recognized influence how you communicate.
Maybe you become more curious.
Maybe you ask more questions before offering advice.
Maybe you stop interpreting every disagreement as resistance.
Maybe you simply learn that your story doesn't need to become someone else's lesson to remain meaningful.
That's growth, too.
Your Growth Doesn't Need to Become Someone Else's Lesson
I still believe there's tremendous value in sharing our experiences. I believe people can learn from one another. I believe hearing how someone changed their life can create hope, challenge assumptions, and help us recognize possibilities we hadn't considered...
But I also believe we need to become more thoughtful about what we expect from those conversations.
When I talk about quitting smoking, consistency, or intuitive eating, I'm sharing things that have been meaningful in my life. I know what those experiences have taught me, but I don't know what someone else needs to hear at that particular moment.
I don't know whether they're ready for change, and I don't know whether the approach that worked for me would work for them.
What I can do is share honestly. What they do with that information belongs to them, and the same is true when I'm the one listening.
I can hear someone else's perspective without assuming they have everything figured out.
I can learn something without agreeing with everything they say.
I can recognize that their experience is different from mine without making either one of us wrong.
Maybe that's one of the quieter signs of personal growth. Not simply becoming more certain about what we've learned, but becoming more aware of what we still don't know.
The goal isn't to become so convinced of our own growth that we stop questioning ourselves. It's to understand ourselves well enough that we can remain curious about everyone else.
And sometimes that begins with a very simple question: Am I listening to understand this person, or am I listening for confirmation of what I already believe?
A Question Worth Asking Yourself
Think about the last time you shared something that had made a meaningful difference in your life. What were you hoping the other person would take away from the conversation?
Now think about the last time someone offered you advice based on their own experience.
Were you open to hearing it?
Did you feel understood?
Did you feel as though they had already decided what you needed?
The next time you find yourself on either side of that conversation, notice what happens before you decide what it means. Sometimes the most meaningful growth begins when we question the story we're telling ourselves about someone else.
About the Author
Biana Lerman is the founder of Your Growth Leader, a platform exploring Psychological Leadership™, identity, human behavior, and the connection between personal growth and professional impact.
With a background in marketing, operations, business strategy, and executive leadership, Biana brings a human-centered perspective to the challenges women face as they navigate success, relationships, change, and the expectations placed upon them.
Her work is grounded in one central belief: Identity comes before leadership.
Through her RISE Method™: Recognize, Interrupt, Self-Lead, Evolve: she explores how understanding the beliefs and patterns shaping our decisions can help us rebuild self-trust and lead with greater awareness.
Biana is also the author of The Rise of Scarlet Rose, a forthcoming novel exploring identity, ambition, relationships, and personal transformation.
FAQ's
Why do people lose interest when someone talks about personal growth?
There are several possible reasons. Sometimes another person's growth brings up uncomfortable comparisons or questions about our own lives. Other times, we may simply be distracted, uninterested in the topic, or not looking for advice. We can't reliably determine someone's motivation from their reaction alone.
Why does someone else's success sometimes make us uncomfortable?
Other people's experiences can influence how we evaluate our own lives. When someone changes something we've been struggling with, their progress may make us more aware of our own challenges. That reaction can create discomfort, but it can also inspire change. It depends on the individual and the situation.
Does avoiding advice mean someone doesn't want to change?
Not necessarily. People can want change without being ready to act, without agreeing with a particular approach, or without wanting advice at that moment. Motivation, readiness, circumstances, and personal preferences can all influence how someone responds.
How can I share my personal growth without sounding judgmental?
Focus on what you experienced rather than what you believe someone else should do. Ask whether the person wants to hear more, acknowledge that different approaches work for different people, and avoid interpreting disagreement as a lack of commitment to change.
How does this relate to Psychological Leadership™?
Psychological Leadership™ involves examining the beliefs, experiences, and assumptions shaping how we respond to ourselves and others. In leadership, that means becoming aware of how our own history influences our judgments, communication, and expectations of the people around us.
Connect With Me
If you're interested in understanding the patterns shaping how we live, work, and lead, I'd love to continue the conversation.
Your Growth Leader Personal growth written for professional impact. Explore articles, Psychological Leadership™, coaching, and consulting.
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Research and Further Reading
The following research provides background on social comparison and defensiveness. It does not establish why any particular person loses interest in a conversation.
Muller, D., & Fayant, M.-P. (2010). On Being Exposed to Superior Others: Consequences of Self-Threatening Upward Social Comparisons. Social and Personality Psychology Compass.
Sherman, D. K., & Cohen, G. L. (2002). Accepting Threatening Information: Self-Affirmation and the Reduction of Defensive Biases. Current Directions in Psychological Science.
Social Comparison Theory: A Meta-Analysis 60+ Years On. (2018). Psychological Bulletin.
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